The world grows....

I used to feel that as I got older and had lived more of my life, that the world was growing smaller. People I knew were acquaintances of other people I knew, spreading outwards like little webs, surprising me as they burst into existence once a degree of connection was made.

But now, I feel that the world is more connected, and wouldn’t be surprised if I travel to Germany and found a mutual friend!

I like this global thing.

apologies

My apologies for the long long asbence! My life is consisting of school, studies, failure fears, and work. Wednesday morning I'll be through with the most stressful part of my life, the school part, and maybe then I'll return to the world of meaningful blogging!

Love!

The best things about winter

1. Thai Kitchen Noodle Soup Bowls

My favorite is the Spring Onion. I could probably eat about 3 of these a day. You can bowls or pouches. I prefer the bowls, it keeps me from toting a reak bowl around with me everywhere. The best thing tho, is that the soups are made with rice noodles, making them gluten free. While I don't have a gluten allergy, I am sensitive to it at times and this is a tasty way to get pasta without wheat!



2. Emergen-C
Tasty and loaded with good stuff to avoid sickness!


3. Boots. Need I say more? Cozy shoes and socks, to overcome the coldest, muddiest, iciest days.

4. Polenta and cheese. Comfort food FTW!

5. Hats.
For real. I love hats, but in the winter they keep my little short-haired head warm!

6. Hot beverages such as the chocolate, coffee and tea types.


7. Flannel. The best clothing item when the chill takes over!


8. Christmas lights Love them! I have that trashy, tackyness that longs for them year round!

9. Incense I like it more in the winter since Nag Champa especially makes my house smell warm and cozy. And there are other scents like evergreen that are quite festive as well!




10. Movies and computers When it's too cold and nasty to enjoy being outside, it's time for the next best thing: time killing!

11. Alcohol Mm...yes.

I'm sure there's more...but those are the most memorable things.

Proust

Since I've been so absent for a while, and don't seem to have any brilliant things to share, I decided to do the Proust Questionnaire. I've done it once before, almost ayear ago and I've decided to do it at least once a year, just to see how my answers have changed.


WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF PERFECT HAPPINESS?
The Beach Vacation Feeling, IE perfect relaxation, stimulation, good food and drink, no cares, and Kyle!

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
Loss. In almost any form.

WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN YOURSELF? 
Ah, my good ol' laziness! I just can't help it!

WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN OTHERS?
Ignorance and intolerance.
 
WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST ADMIRE?
First and foremost, Kyle. I've watched him grow and change himself into such a strong man, sure of exactly who he is and want he wants. And then Tim. Tim exposed me to what has ended up being the thing I enjoy the most in the world (outside of my life with Kyle), and is such an encouragement and roll model to me and has helped me out so much!
 
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE?
little things, presents, travel!
 
WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND? 
Happy, eager, impatient! :-)

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER THE MOST OVERRATED VIRTUE? 
Humility.

WHAT DO YOU MOST DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE?
My child-baring hips!
 
WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST DESPISE? 
No one particular person, just people who refuse to better themselves.

WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST LIKE IN A MAN? 
Understanding and Leadership

WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST LIKE IN A WOMAN?
Understanding and empathy
 
WHICH WORDS OR PHRASES DO YOU MOST OVERUSE? 
Dude, awesome, jus' saying

WHAT OR WHO IS THE GREATEST LOVE OF YOUR LIFE?
Kyle!
 
WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU HAPPIEST?
The days following our engagement, our honeymoon, pretty much any time off that we get together!
 
WHICH TALENT WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO HAVE?
To play a lot of musical instruments!
 
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Iah, that I put everything off, even at the loss of my performance level
 
WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?
I'm working on it right now! But probably actually taking the initiative and doing what I have to do to accomplish my goal.
 
IF YOU WERE TO DIE AND COME BACK AS A PERSON OR A THING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A squirrel! No doubt!
 
WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO LIVE? 
Here, but on 5+ acres on a mountain side!

WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION?
The letters and emails that Kyle and I wrote back and forth when were first starting our romantic relationship, my 1 year anniversary earrings, and the handmade quilt that was my great grandmothers and then my mothers.
 
WHAT DO YOU REGARD AS THE LOWEST DEPTH OF MISERY?
Losing one that you love.
 
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OCCUPATION?
Parks and Recreation Management!
 
WHAT IS YOUR MOST MARKED CHARACTERISTIC?
For anyone that knows me physically, my expressions and weird sound effects! :-) That I'm super chill!
 
WHAT DO YOU MOST VALUE IN YOUR FRIENDS?
Depth.
 
WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE WRITERS?
Kundera, Gregory Mcguire, CS Lewis
 
WHO IS YOUR HERO OF FICTION?
Jane in That Hideous Strength by CS Lewis
  
WHO ARE YOUR HEROES IN REAL LIFE?
Well... Kyle, Tim, my dad, Gwen Stefani
 
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE NAMES?
The ones that aren't super common, like Eden. If I have a kid, a girl, she's Eden.
 
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU MOST DISLIKE?
Intolerance and ignorance.
 
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST REGRET?
Not doing more with my time.
 
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE?
Unaware!
 
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Pretty much love and live.

:-)

Today...

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 44. She and my dad would have been married 22 years. And this past year would have been completely different.

Happy Birthday Mama! I love you.

...

I like to think of myself as intellectual and smart, uniquely qualified to live my life simply and fully due to my strange upbringing, the opportunities that have been given me, the values and skills I possess that have been/are recognized by great people, and motivation to do exactly as I desire with the support of those great people and Kyle.

After writing that all out and re-reading, I sound arrogant, don't I? But I don't feel as if that's wrong. I am Laura, completely different and skilled from everyone else in the world. I can do it, and if I want to, I will. [I am woman, hear me roar] The people who see that and value it in me are amazing, and are the most incredible supporters. They feed me confidence and show me my strengths. I love them and admire them for that.

I am blessed to have those people, so very blessed. I was talking with one of them the other day, about how supporting relationships shouldn't be so much about what 'they can do for me' but 'what can I do for them.' Afterwards, thinking about the conversation, I realized that's a mindset, and quality. I've always enjoyed going out and helping people with things--be it compiling information, researching, bringing them little gifts, notes, working/volunteering at events. And I think, as long as I'm able to enjoy being helpful, there will always be someone wise and helpful nearby who sees that, and will have the same attitude towards me.

Let's hope so!

plinks and tinks

there's a strange, mild sorrow in my throat lately. it's a missing and a fear. a missing of my mother and the fear of losing again.
i find it strange how cyclical my mood and feelings are. around the 23-25 of the month i feel down and sad. it feels right tho, that those days marking the months in passing are felt in some way, and don't pass blindly by into time.

satisfaction? no!

So, I had a mile-stone birthday recently. The anticipated Twenty-One. It's been the age more exciting to me than even 18! It meant true freedom of choice was mine. At least, in relation to the beverage category! I've yet to have the stereotypical, crazy night of celebration. Kyle did take me out to dinner at West First, a little wood-fire baked pizza restaurant. It's the offspring of the Flat Rock Bakery, which makes wonderful breads and such in a wood fired oven. We had delicious pizza and beer and wine (beer for the Man and wine for the Girl). Afterwards we walked around Main Street, hand in hand, conversing in the way the alcohol, ease, relaxation, and happiness promote. I had such a feeling of pure satisfaction in my life and love. This is what I always dreamed of: living well, loved, secure, doing 'adult' things, responsible. Simple yes. But not always attainable.
The feeling that burst to the surface that night had been slowly building. From the insecurities about my job situation, the apprehension of interviewing and learning new habits and tasks, to comprehension and confidence as my job knowledge increased, to a new level of satisfaction and joy in my life.
It almost feels like I've reached what my angsty teenage self longed for all those hormone-filled and mentally exhausting years. I feel...grown up. And it feels great!

i am learning!

I long to accomplish a great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker.
Helen Keller

I'm learning more and more that I need structure. A busy, scheduled life in which there are deadlines and responsibilities. Just the thought of this coming school years makes my soul writhe a wee bit and starts to nurture the attitude of "ger! I don't wanna!" just like a 4 or 5 year old when they're forced to eat something revolting to their undeveloped taste buds or to stop playing with toys and friends.

But despite the discomfort of tasks and learning that MUST be accomplished, my time outside of that becomes rather effective and precious! Which I know is a good thing! My house gets cleaned, my mind expands! I actually have things to say and ponder!

I'm learning that it really is the small things that make the differences--a smiled greeting, pleasant tone of voice, putting my stuff away when I get home (Kyle will smile at that, I am trying!), doing tasks in a timely manner, holding the door for that little old lady behind me or even the large middle aged man (but hey, older men like me anyway!), reading for ten minutes instead of frittering away my time on Facebook or Twitter or watching tv, hiking to the top of Big Glassy despite the humidity, and staying within my self governed budget. All these are rolling with me down this life road, accumulating into how I act and what I do. I for one, would rather be nicer than not!

I think this is perhaps why I love the attitude of the Eastern religions. They have the mind set of love and respect, which is sadly lacking from the Western society.

It's a trend that my personal and spiritual growth has been on for the last few years, and the more I see, live, and learn, the more I feel drawn into "love." Not romantic love, but the love that provides courtesy, respect, assistance, advice, and acceptance. But not one that breeds false agreement or support.

I'm a fan of diversity. It's part of what makes this world such an interesting place, and people appealing (who wants to know only one type of person with one set of tastes and opinions? Not I!). But I'll never be one of those people who thinks we all should hold the exact same beliefs.

If a person stays only within the environment into which they were born and raised, how can maturity be achieved? How is understanding gained and knowledge increased? It's not.

I have some friends. While they travel and talk to many different people with many different beliefs, they always hold themselves behind a barrier, not really hearing or relating to the people they're conversing with. Now, what good does that do? Are they too afraid of what may happen if they actually listen and are prompted to wonder or question something in their own life and beliefs?

I've learned it is good to question. Even questioning God. It's what you do with that doubting or questioning that matters. This is how you grow. As babies, we learn to talk, partially in imitation of what we're surrounded by, and later as a means to be understood. Understood so that our questions and entreaties can be responded to. So that we can grow and learn and become reasonable and secure adults. Questions are good. Very good indeed.

So, as I prepare for another school year, I know I have not been mentally stagnant!

Happy Start!

time outside of time

There are grand things happening in the life o'the Laura!
So, I think a recap is in order.

-Hours at my current job (the park) were cut to 15 per week due to county budget cuts.

-I heard back from a front desk/guest services position I had applied for while not knowing if I'd get to keep my park job or not. This is a full time, 3pm-11pm position, complete with benefits (yay!) at an inn in the area. They're a "green hotel" and even have a large organic garden on the property for their restaurant! I interviewed and was offered the job a week later! I've already started training and I'm loving it!

-The plan for now is to continue at the park and start at the inn. I'll probably have to cut way back on time at the park (not like it's really high anyway) once school starts on Aug 20th.

-Saturday two friends of mine were married in a small ceremony on top of one of my favorite mountains on the Parkway! It was beautiful and sweet. Small and easy! I had the honor of playing photographer. It was a great morning!

-Saturday afternoon and Sunday Kyle and I got some hiking and scenery in. Sunday I took my camera and had a blast crawling around in the grass photographing flowers and anything that struck my fancy. Kyle got some time to visit with his brother while I occupied myself.
There's definitely a singular feeling that I get while behind my camera, squinting thru my viewfinder, twisting and contorting to get the right angle and then adjusting aperture and exposure settings. It's a strange place where time stands still, and yet there's a strong urgency. There's really nothing else in this world than me, my camera, and whatever I see and try to photograph.
Then there's the trickling hints that I've got it, I'm doing good, that explodes into satisfaction that only comes when I see my images in full size! It's that "I DID IT!" elation! Ah yes. I love my camera. :-)

-Hopefully sometime within the next month or so, Kyle and I shall be aquirring this:

Hee hee hee. That's a 2000 Toyota MR2 Spyder. The 'MR' stands for Midship Runabout which appeals to my trekie side. Isn't that sad? I'm in love with a car partially b/c it could be trekie-ish.


Ah so. That's about all in the life o'Laura right now. It's crammed packed with working and playing and sleeping. :-)

Arg!

This is Water

Transcription of the 2005 Kenyon Commencement Address - May 21, 2005

(If anybody feels like perspiring [cough], I'd advise you to go ahead, because I'm sure going to. In fact I'm gonna [mumbles while pulling up his gown and taking out a handkerchief from his pocket].)
Greetings ["parents"?] and congratulations to Kenyon's graduating class of 2005. There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?"

This is a standard requirement of US commencement speeches, the deployment of didactic little parable-ish stories. The story ["thing"] turns out to be one of the better, less bullshitty conventions of the genre, but if you're worried that I plan to present myself here as the wise, older fish explaining what water is to you younger fish, please don't be. I am not the wise old fish. The point of the fish story is merely that the most obvious, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about. Stated as an English sentence, of course, this is just a banal platitude, but the fact is that in the day to day trenches of adult existence, banal platitudes can have a life or death importance, or so I wish to suggest to you on this dry and lovely morning.

Of course the main requirement of speeches like this is that I'm supposed to talk about your liberal arts education's meaning, to try to explain why the degree you are about to receive has actual human value instead of just a material payoff. So let's talk about the single most pervasive cliché in the commencement speech genre, which is that a liberal arts education is not so much about filling you up with knowledge as it is about quote teaching you how to think. If you're like me as a student, you've never liked hearing this, and you tend to feel a bit insulted by the claim that you needed anybody to teach you how to think, since the fact that you even got admitted to a college this good seems like proof that you already know how to think. But I'm going to posit to you that the liberal arts cliché turns out not to be insulting at all, because the really significant education in thinking that we're supposed to get in a place like this isn't really about the capacity to think, but rather about the choice of what to think about. If your total freedom of choice regarding what to think about seems too obvious to waste time discussing, I'd ask you to think about fish and water, and to bracket for just a few minutes your skepticism about the value of the totally obvious.

Here's another didactic little story. There are these two guys sitting together in a bar in the remote Alaskan wilderness. One of the guys is religious, the other is an atheist, and the two are arguing about the existence of God with that special intensity that comes after about the fourth beer. And the atheist says: "Look, it's not like I don't have actual reasons for not believing in God. It's not like I haven't ever experimented with the whole God and prayer thing. Just last month I got caught away from the camp in that terrible blizzard, and I was totally lost and I couldn't see a thing, and it was fifty below, and so I tried it: I fell to my knees in the snow and cried out 'Oh, God, if there is a God, I'm lost in this blizzard, and I'm gonna die if you don't help me.'" And now, in the bar, the religious guy looks at the atheist all puzzled. "Well then you must believe now," he says, "After all, here you are, alive." The atheist just rolls his eyes. "No, man, all that was was a couple Eskimos happened to come wandering by and showed me the way back to camp."

It's easy to run this story through kind of a standard liberal arts analysis: the exact same experience can mean two totally different things to two different people, given those people's two different belief templates and two different ways of constructing meaning from experience. Because we prize tolerance and diversity of belief, nowhere in our liberal arts analysis do we want to claim that one guy's interpretation is true and the other guy's is false or bad. Which is fine, except we also never end up talking about just where these individual templates and beliefs come from. Meaning, where they come from INSIDE the two guys. As if a person's most basic orientation toward the world, and the meaning of his experience were somehow just hard-wired, like height or shoe-size; or automatically absorbed from the culture, like language. As if how we construct meaning were not actually a matter of personal, intentional choice. Plus, there's the whole matter of arrogance. The nonreligious guy is so totally certain in his dismissal of the possibility that the passing Eskimos had anything to do with his prayer for help. True, there are plenty of religious people who seem arrogant and certain of their own interpretations, too. They're probably even more repulsive than atheists, at least to most of us. But religious dogmatists' problem is exactly the same as the story's unbeliever: blind certainty, a close-mindedness that amounts to an imprisonment so total that the prisoner doesn't even know he's locked up.

The point here is that I think this is one part of what teaching me how to think is really supposed to mean. To be just a little less arrogant. To have just a little critical awareness about myself and my certainties. Because a huge percentage of the stuff that I tend to be automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded. I have learned this the hard way, as I predict you graduates will, too.

Here is just one example of the total wrongness of something I tend to be automatically sure of: everything in my own immediate experience supports my deep belief that I am the absolute center of the universe; the realist, most vivid and important person in existence. We rarely think about this sort of natural, basic self-centeredness because it's so socially repulsive. But it's pretty much the same for all of us. It is our default setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth. Think about it: there is no experience you have had that you are not the absolute center of. The world as you experience it is there in front of YOU or behind YOU, to the left or right of YOU, on YOUR TV or YOUR monitor. And so on. Other people's thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, real.

Please don't worry that I'm getting ready to lecture you about compassion or other-directedness or all the so-called virtues. This is not a matter of virtue. It's a matter of my choosing to do the work of somehow altering or getting free of my natural, hard-wired default setting which is to be deeply and literally self-centered and to see and interpret everything through this lens of self. People who can adjust their natural default setting this way are often described as being "well-adjusted", which I suggest to you is not an accidental term.

Given the triumphant academic setting here, an obvious question is how much of this work of adjusting our default setting involves actual knowledge or intellect. This question gets very tricky. Probably the most dangerous thing about an academic education -- least in my own case -- is that it enables my tendency to over-intellectualize stuff, to get lost in abstract argument inside my head, instead of simply paying attention to what is going on right in front of me, paying attention to what is going on inside me.

As I'm sure you guys know by now, it is extremely difficult to stay alert and attentive, instead of getting hypnotized by the constant monologue inside your own head (may be happening right now). Twenty years after my own graduation, I have come gradually to understand that the liberal arts cliché about teaching you how to think is actually shorthand for a much deeper, more serious idea: learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed. Think of the old cliché about quote the mind being an excellent servant but a terrible master.

This, like many clichés, so lame and unexciting on the surface, actually expresses a great and terrible truth. It is not the least bit coincidental that adults who commit suicide with firearms almost always shoot themselves in: the head. They shoot the terrible master. And the truth is that most of these suicides are actually dead long before they pull the trigger.

And I submit that this is what the real, no bullshit value of your liberal arts education is supposed to be about: how to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone day in and day out. That may sound like hyperbole, or abstract nonsense. Let's get concrete. The plain fact is that you graduating seniors do not yet have any clue what "day in day out" really means. There happen to be whole, large parts of adult American life that nobody talks about in commencement speeches. One such part involves boredom, routine, and petty frustration. The parents and older folks here will know all too well what I'm talking about.

By way of example, let's say it's an average adult day, and you get up in the morning, go to your challenging, white-collar, college-graduate job, and you work hard for eight or ten hours, and at the end of the day you're tired and somewhat stressed and all you want is to go home and have a good supper and maybe unwind for an hour, and then hit the sack early because, of course, you have to get up the next day and do it all again. But then you remember there's no food at home. You haven't had time to shop this week because of your challenging job, and so now after work you have to get in your car and drive to the supermarket. It's the end of the work day and the traffic is apt to be: very bad. So getting to the store takes way longer than it should, and when you finally get there, the supermarket is very crowded, because of course it's the time of day when all the other people with jobs also try to squeeze in some grocery shopping. And the store is hideously lit and infused with soul-killing muzak or corporate pop and it's pretty much the last place you want to be but you can't just get in and quickly out; you have to wander all over the huge, over-lit store's confusing aisles to find the stuff you want and you have to maneuver your junky cart through all these other tired, hurried people with carts (et cetera, et cetera, cutting stuff out because this is a long ceremony) and eventually you get all your supper supplies, except now it turns out there aren't enough check-out lanes open even though it's the end-of-the-day rush. So the checkout line is incredibly long, which is stupid and infuriating. But you can't take your frustration out on the frantic lady working the register, who is overworked at a job whose daily tedium and meaninglessness surpasses the imagination of any of us here at a prestigious college.

But anyway, you finally get to the checkout line's front, and you pay for your food, and you get told to "Have a nice day" in a voice that is the absolute voice of death. Then you have to take your creepy, flimsy, plastic bags of groceries in your cart with the one crazy wheel that pulls maddeningly to the left, all the way out through the crowded, bumpy, littery parking lot, and then you have to drive all the way home through slow, heavy, SUV-intensive, rush-hour traffic, et cetera et cetera.

Everyone here has done this, of course. But it hasn't yet been part of you graduates' actual life routine, day after week after month after year.

But it will be. And many more dreary, annoying, seemingly meaningless routines besides. But that is not the point. The point is that petty, frustrating crap like this is exactly where the work of choosing is gonna come in. Because the traffic jams and crowded aisles and long checkout lines give me time to think, and if I don't make a conscious decision about how to think and what to pay attention to, I'm gonna be pissed and miserable every time I have to shop. Because my natural default setting is the certainty that situations like this are really all about me. About MY hungriness and MY fatigue and MY desire to just get home, and it's going to seem for all the world like everybody else is just in my way. And who are all these people in my way? And look at how repulsive most of them are, and how stupid and cow-like and dead-eyed and nonhuman they seem in the checkout line, or at how annoying and rude it is that people are talking loudly on cell phones in the middle of the line. And look at how deeply and personally unfair this is.

Or, of course, if I'm in a more socially conscious liberal arts form of my default setting, I can spend time in the end-of-the-day traffic being disgusted about all the huge, stupid, lane-blocking SUV's and Hummers and V-12 pickup trucks, burning their wasteful, selfish, forty-gallon tanks of gas, and I can dwell on the fact that the patriotic or religious bumper-stickers always seem to be on the biggest, most disgustingly selfish vehicles, driven by the ugliest [responding here to loud applause] (this is an example of how NOT to think, though) most disgustingly selfish vehicles, driven by the ugliest, most inconsiderate and aggressive drivers. And I can think about how our children's children will despise us for wasting all the future's fuel, and probably screwing up the climate, and how spoiled and stupid and selfish and disgusting we all are, and how modern consumer society just sucks, and so forth and so on.

You get the idea.

If I choose to think this way in a store and on the freeway, fine. Lots of us do. Except thinking this way tends to be so easy and automatic that it doesn't have to be a choice. It is my natural default setting. It's the automatic way that I experience the boring, frustrating, crowded parts of adult life when I'm operating on the automatic, unconscious belief that I am the center of the world, and that my immediate needs and feelings are what should determine the world's priorities.

The thing is that, of course, there are totally different ways to think about these kinds of situations. In this traffic, all these vehicles stopped and idling in my way, it's not impossible that some of these people in SUV's have been in horrible auto accidents in the past, and now find driving so terrifying that their therapist has all but ordered them to get a huge, heavy SUV so they can feel safe enough to drive. Or that the Hummer that just cut me off is maybe being driven by a father whose little child is hurt or sick in the seat next to him, and he's trying to get this kid to the hospital, and he's in a bigger, more legitimate hurry than I am: it is actually I who am in HIS way.

Or I can choose to force myself to consider the likelihood that everyone else in the supermarket's checkout line is just as bored and frustrated as I am, and that some of these people probably have harder, more tedious and painful lives than I do.

Again, please don't think that I'm giving you moral advice, or that I'm saying you are supposed to think this way, or that anyone expects you to just automatically do it. Because it's hard. It takes will and effort, and if you are like me, some days you won't be able to do it, or you just flat out won't want to.
But most days, if you're aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at this fat, dead-eyed, over-made-up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line. Maybe she's not usually like this. Maybe she's been up three straight nights holding the hand of a husband who is dying of bone cancer. Or maybe this very lady is the low-wage clerk at the motor vehicle department, who just yesterday helped your spouse resolve a horrific, infuriating, red-tape problem through some small act of bureaucratic kindness. Of course, none of this is likely, but it's also not impossible. It just depends what you what to consider. If you're automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won't consider possibilities that aren't annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.

Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true. The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it.

This, I submit, is the freedom of a real education, of learning how to be well-adjusted. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship.
Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship -- be it JC or Allah, bet it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles -- is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.

Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that they're unconscious. They are default settings.

They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing.

And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the center of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about much in the great outside world of wanting and achieving and [unintelligible -- sounds like "displayal"]. The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.

That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.

I know that this stuff probably doesn't sound fun and breezy or grandly inspirational the way a commencement speech is supposed to sound. What it is, as far as I can see, is the capital-T Truth, with a whole lot of rhetorical niceties stripped away. You are, of course, free to think of it whatever you wish. But please don't just dismiss it as just some finger-wagging Dr. Laura sermon. None of this stuff is really about morality or religion or dogma or big fancy questions of life after death.
The capital-T Truth is about life BEFORE death.

It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over:

"This is water."

"This is water."

It is unimaginably hard to do this, to stay conscious and alive in the adult world day in and day out. Which means yet another grand cliché turns out to be true: your education really IS the job of a lifetime. And it commences: now.

I wish you way more than luck.

David Foster Wallace
the 2005 Kenyon Commencement Address - May 21, 2005

strange state of mind

My mind has been a little weird lately. I try to sit, and gather my thoughts to be released in some type of clear, or at least semi-comprehensible way; only to be distracted, whiny, or irritable, or have a sudden on-set of ADD (my mind is just weird like that).

It's hard to accept that it's July already, and that the summer, as it is defined by school sessions, is over half gone. "Boo to that!" I say! Mayhap now I'll get some 'summer fun' in, since my hours at the park have been cut. But, it's better that than being without my good ol' park job!

Saturday we had our Fourth of July Festival here in the park. I love the festival ambiance, esp when I get to be in the background, or foreground, of things, working in an official capacity.

My accomplishments and adventures included

- making 4 clover flower necklaces and then passing them on to 4 very entranced little girls. They would come up to me with wide eyes and "Wow! How do you DO that?"
-controlling crowds of rowdy kids all eager to bounce to their hearts content inside an inflated bounce house
-creating grand balloon decorations
-being my generally friendly, helpful self

It was a great day despite being forced child control for the afternoon. We had a great fireworks show, and I got to play with my camera a bit. Molly and I cruised about in our golf cart, which has been long anticipated!

I'm feeling a bit introspective lately, but I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I've gotten out of the habit of journaling away my internal flights of fancy and dives into despair. There was a time when I couldn't go a day with writing pages in my un-lined journals. Ah well, something to explore in news ways!

How's all that for random bits? But then again, it's how my head it lately!

Monday Musts

1. Wash the dishes in my sink that I've been avoiding eye contact with.
2. Pull out my cloth and thread and sew something unrelated to my crazy quilt.
3. Revise and reformat resume.
4. Along those same lines, prepare cover letter.
5. >strike>Start WNCCL website banner in Photoshop. I've got ideas!
6. Listen to one new artist/album. [it's so easy to get in a rut of the familiar]
7. Do some yoga. Seriously, do it.
8. Print pictures for Kyle's mom.

Wednesday Serenade

For the 100th night in a row it's raining and thundering and being glorious. Okay, so it's not really the 100th night in a row, but there's a definite weather cycle going on that involves rain almost every night.
But still, I'm comfortable sitting on my couch, playing with my computer or whatever, and having my eye caught by the lightening back lighting and silhouetting the trees against the briefly white sky.

Anyway....this is my new favorite song!

Love is Love

Tortoise And Bonnie 'prince' Billy - The Brave And The Bold - 05 - Love Is Love.mp3

Self Promotion

I'm terrible at advocating for myself.

But, my summer goals are to increase my portfolio materials, and self promote what I'm good at.

Well, one aspect of all my greatness. :-)

Photography.

It's been something I've loved for a long time, and the past couple months I've been drawn back to it as a commercial thing (senior portiats, engagement photos, etc). So my project this summer is to build my network and connections, make an excellent online portfolio, as well as informational packats, and take lots of pictures! Be they of friends or strangers.

So, on that note, I would like to invite you all to my Facebook Page and my Website. Both are works in progress, but I'm excited about building both to reflect what I do and love.

Wee!

Wednesday Serenade

Well, it's rather dreary and wet here. It's good to get the rain, but it feels like we've had more rain days than sun days, and I prefer the sun days myself. But, when the realization that it was indeed Wednesday, and that I was actually remembering to do a seranade, I immediately thought about Singin' In The Rain! It's a musical comedy from the 1950's, full of the fashions, humor, dance and catchy tunes that make that era appealing to me.

Anyway, if musicals are slightly intersting, you should watch it!

Singin' in the Rain--Good Morning

Marriage, eh?

"Every day we're making this decision and this commitment anew," he says. "I'm not with you because there would be legal speed bumps to get through if we weren't. I'm with you because this is where I want to be."

Quote from Couples Who Don't Get Married, Time Magazine

First off, read the Time Article.

Now...

If that quote above expresses the attitude that was held going into marriage, or evolved once the excitement was gone, and selfishness and immaturity took the foreground, no wonder there is such a high rate of divorce. It's not surprising that marriage is looked at with apprehension and even avoided.

So, I started thinking about what marriage means to me, both personally and generally.

Marriage can't be a singular commitment. In other words, it must be proceeded by a proven commitment already in existence.

It is a daily decision and commitment. And not always based on passion or good feelings, but made nonetheless out of respect and the commitment that anyone makes being in a relationship.

It's more than a legality. It's a choice to participate and commiserate fully in my partners life, and to have that acknowledged by God and man.

I'll be the first to tell you that my views have been formed out of a Christian upbringing, in which marriage plays a strong roll. And it's probably obvious without stating the fact! :-)

Would Kyle and I be just as happy if were weren't married but just as committed? Possibly so. But we choose to make the ultimate commitment based on our love and desire to be in each other lives for all of time. This is it, this is our marriage, our relationship. Neither of us view it as a legality, or even a breakable bond. It's been the best thing ever for us both! Not a fix it, or even the next step, but an enhancement to our lives.

Some people are able to commit in a very deep way, perhaps negating out the legality of marriage for them. Perhaps they've been raised without marriage being a large part of their belief system or encountered something that repels them from the marriage model. I don't know. I'm not saying that everyone MUST get married based on my opinions.

Still, I think marriage is tending to have negative connotations. I find that sad, because I've found it to be the most glourious experience of my life!

Anyway...that's my tirade. Hardly logically or polished. :-) But I would love to see what you all have to think--agreements, disagreements, etc!

So much for that [Wednesday Serenade]

Hmm...I've sadly neglected poor Wednesday Serenade. I hope she forgives me....
So with appropriate humbleness, I offer a post-Wednesday-because-I'm-forgetful-Serenade!

It's almost summer which changes my musical tastes. Not so much changes, as makes me crave lighter, more acoustic sounds.

Bill Callahan (Smog)--Sycamore

Weekend Greatness

Weekend Greatness ~

Coffee Underground For energy boost and snack. The mango peach smoothie I had was SO good!

The Greenville Zoo with Kyle and Akaisha
It was rather ridiculous and amusing how much we all loved the zoo! I enjoyed it much more than I did as a child, laughing at the giraffes and monkeys, delightfully feeling that weird shudder looking at the hissing cockroaches, and eagerly discovering what animal was next!

Main St
Gelato, walking under the trees. Discovering Artistphere. Reedy River Falls Park. Sitting on the a rock next to the water in the sun. Takosushi and discovering my celeratory 21st birthday drink, Flaming Coffee made with too many good things to name.



Star Trek And yes, I was raised a Trekkie. Thank you Daddy! The new movie is simply amazing. I'm so impressed with the casting, and it was a incredible surprise to see Simon Pegg as Scottie! I love him. This is the only movie that I can remember Kyle and I sitting upright, holding on to each other in sheer anticipation!

So, yes. A wonderful, exciting, thrilling weekend!

Pictures and Words

Just a random bunch of photos...

My little actress sister! She's a stunner!

Front porch greenery. My sad little fig tree has been shocked, hailed on, and wilted, but still lives!

My leaf costers. There are plans for leaf costers for each season (props to Shara-Berra!)

Yours truely.

My tomato plants are flowering!

The green mtns are so pretty!

This is my sexy outdoors man!

This is the snake that surprised us while hiking, right after I commented on how roots in the path make me think of snakes. 0.o

I've been double-tagged!

A. Mention the person who nominated you.

The insightful and thought-provoking Greenfingers and new blog-acquaintance Morgan!

B. List six (un)important things that make you happy.

1. Spring morning air. It's so clean and crisp and makes me want to run away to the mountains for the entire day.

2. Sushi. So good!

3. Random lists and questionnaires such as this!

4. Drinking coffee outside

5. Getting to sleep in and Kyle getting up before me

6. The primary colors+black.

C. Tag six blogs, state the rules & notify them with a teeny comment on their blog.

1. Valarie
2. Akaisha
3. Chelsea Belle
4. My dear Kyle
5. Autumn's Darkroom
6. Jjenvy

Associate 13

Greetings from Hendersonville Kmart's newest associate! I shall be whiling away my weekends in pursuit of additional funds to increase my net worth and perhaps the allowance of a new(ish) car. My employment has already been compared to prostitution, Kyle being my pimp and sending me out to work at the Kmart! It's apt.

I get to add on to my already extensive resume (it's hard keeping it down to one page!), where retail will join the ranks of food industry, hr and payroll, soccer refereeing, and a myriad of office jobs. I remember when babysitting and refereeing were my only previous employments!

And I get to look forward to a post-21st birthday vacation with Kyle in which we will laze and drink and eat and sun and swim.

Perhaps I'll have a life of my own again, in which I'm not laboring my hours away for money or excellelent grades...maybe.

Love!

Wednesday Serenade

We all know that No Doubt rocks. Which is why I am so saddened that tickets cost a ginormous $80 for their up-coming tour. Or perhaps I'm only saddened by my thriftiness that can't stand to spend that much on a ticket...?

Anywho, to honor one all the all time best bands (imho), todays Wednesday Serenade is Hey Baby by No Doubt!

No Doubt - Hey Baby
Uploaded by UniversalMusicGroup

Wednesday Serenade

I do apologize for missing my serenade last week. There is no excuse at all!

I forget the first time I heard Damien Rice. But I know it was either Volcano or the Blowers Daughter and I just loved it. Since then I've happily sung, cried, comtemplated, been soothed by many of his songs. So many of his songs mean so much to me, since they tend to be really emotive and take me back to where I was or what was going on when I was listening to them.

Anyway, Cannonball is on my top 6, which also includes Sleep Don't Weep, Volcano, The Blowers Daughter, Rootless Tree, and Me, My Yoke and I.

quickie post

I was frantically trying to think of a clever name to call my quickie post, but have come up with nill. Bother!
It's back to school for Laura today. The only consulations are that in 2 and 1/2 weeks it will be over, and that I'll get to see Kendall and we'll scheme like crazy in our dark computer lap.
I just realized I loaned my camera to my sister sans memory card. Hse won't be too pleased at that. But it was an accident, I promise!
Kyle and I had a great weekend, and I already miss the laziness that so often rules our Saturdays and Sundays.
Akaisha and I had a splendid time in Asheville on Sat night. Weather=perfect. Lots of good drink (of the coffee, juice and tea types), and tons of walking around, beautiful scenes, and a HUGE rosemary plant that I want to kidnap.
Well, I'm off to try and get photos printed so that I'll actually make the art show deadline!
Happy spring!

fan and fic

It's another dreary, rainy day here in the spring mountains of western North Carolina. But last night I braved the drizzle and made a library raid. My selection was indeed strange: Wobegon Boy and Lake Wobegon Summer 1956, both by Garrison Keillor (whom I share a birthday with!), Wildwood Dancing by Juliet Marillier (which I read in whole last night), The Ladies of Grace Adieu: and other stories by Susanna Clake, and The Crown Rose by Fiona Avery.
So I have a mixture of fantasy and I guess it would be called good ol' plain Americana fiction.
Anyway, my evening was lovely, snacking and reading and feeling a little bit mystical. The weather aided that magic feeling, adding mist and sparkle to the view from my window.
I've missed reading for hours on end.
And if the weather stays rainy rainy, hours more I shall spend reading! Yay!

Distraction, thou art a monster.

i don't know what it is...but i dont think i cry enough.
my spirit is a very odd thing--it's no problem for me to outwardly show those that i am closest to that i am not a happy girl for whatever reason, but when something heart-rending is ripping about my insides and sinking my heart, i do everything in my power to self-contain the torrent of painful emotion. perhaps my outlet is only dependent on the weight of whatever issue. something petty is easy to reveal, whereas the heaviest of sorrows are too entwined with the essence of Laura to let go. or perhaps i'm too tired to meet it and work through the emotional maze, so it's easier to mount my steed Distraction and flee.
Distraction is exhausting however. i feel the stress in the corners of my mouth right now. even this, writing about it, is distraction.

Wednesday Serenade

Todays Serenade is Such Great Heights by The Postal Service. I loved the song the first time I heard it, and my adoration was so deep that I even semi-mastered the art of playing it on the guitar. I played it (using Winamp, the guitar mastery has since long dissipated), and was reminded again how much I love this song. SO here it is, for you!



The rest of the album is pretty fantastic too. ;-)

My head goes kinda crazy sometimes

Strange how mindsets and futuristic visions evolve and adapt based on each moment of experience and choice.

Perhaps I'm more aware of stepping outside of the lines, so to speak, since I was raised in an environment where there were more defined lines of what you're "supposed" to do.

It was an ideal that you grow up, find a nice boy, marry, have kids, and then raise them conservatively. You don't smoke, drink, or listen to rock n' roll, you probably don't dance. This ideal was even more compounded by my church.

I never accepted it, being a little rebellious crazy kid from about the age of 5 and on. Perhaps it was being an oldest child thing, or just my strange little personality asserting itself. Still, that accepted ideal of what path my life should take, more or less, was there in the back of my head, some elusive blueprint of "that it should be like."

So I gradually made definite choices to follow my own heart and define the beliefs that guided me. Despite the exhausting friction between parents and oldest child, despite almost controlling concern and judgement, despite being told I was wrong...maybe not despite, but because, I grew and thought and decided and walked my path. Happily, I've ended up secure, optimistic, and tolerant. I know that's a blessing.

No one ever finds the ideal they thought they would. Instead we adapt and often stumble across what our hearts truly desire.

Then we look back on that once perfect dream of how our existence would play out, and it's something so foreign and ridiculous.

I wouldn't trade my life today or who I am to have that childhood ideal guaranteed to me. I'm ridiculously happy and at peace, and more well-rounded than many people are. I'm happy in my little life that contains a boy named Kyle, hikes, philosophy, beer and wine, books, music of all types, a cussword here and there, education, and my personal reverence for my God. And as long as my soul is happy and peaceful, I'll stay just how I am!

Wednesday Serenade

Last Wednesday I heard "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by the oh-so-fab Cyndi Lauper. I immediately texted a piece of the lyrics to Akaisha. Then, my idea was born. To attempt some sort of regularity, each Wednesday I'll post a song or something, and serenade you, all my lovely readers! If it does nothing more than amuse or offer a taste of my music preferences, then my heart is happy.
So, here, for you viewing and listening entertainment, is Ready for the Floor, but Hot Chip!

On perceptions

I think it was last night, I was laying in bed, in that contemplative, falling asleep state, when I suddenly realized that no one will ever know how I really perceive myself. Not even Kyle, who knows me better than anyone.

The self-image that I have of myself is that only, MY self image. It's strange to think about...

Sure, the way you perceive yourself is important to development, living a successful life (by success I mean content, happy, vibrant no matter come what may), and projecting who you are, but no one will ever see you the way you see you. They may come close, but can never really see it the way you do.

And vice versa.

Just a thought from a sleepy head.

Hello little blog! Have you missed me?

Lately I've been on a reading frenzy! Reading 'real" books made of paper, ink, and glue! It's been very nice and refreshing. I used to read for hours each day when I was growing up, not distracted by the internet, sitcoms, and tv shows on demand, other people's blogs, back when my time wasn't claimed by work or school, or even Kyle.

I've quickly read Slowness by Kundera, Still Life with Woodpecker by Tom Robbins, and am currently in the midst of Villa Incognito also by Robbins. The Time Travelers Wife is next on my list.

There's something substantial about reading a book. My time doesn't feel as wasted away. I guess b/c I can look at the book and see my progress, see a measurement of accomplishment.

Also, it seems appropriate for the spring-like weather. More active, in a sedimentary way, than eyes being stuck to a flickering computer screen.

I highly recommend Kundera and Robbins to anyone looking for a read. Kundera especially.

Anyway, I hope everyone is alive and thriving. Spring is here and it's good to active, mentally and physically.

spring wants...

There's something about nice weather that makes me want to throw wisdom and responsibility to the warm wind, and go laze about for days on end; eating sushi and reading poetry, sitting on top of my loved mountains, driving with windows down, loving the warmth that still lingers in the evening. But math classes and lack of funds sadly stand firm in my way.
So I sit indoors, feeling the breeze as it comes through the windows, and read poetry online (books are much more satisfying), Twitter, and read news.

Up

I love the dog's dialogue in this. I think it's co,ing out in 2010?

rocks and sticks and butterflys, oh my!

as children, when we found amazing treasures, either in nature or as a gift received, we would show off our treasure, eager to share its wonder with everyone around, yet still guarding and keeping it close.
i see this instinctual habit manifested in grown-up life as well, though more often than not void of all innocence. it's in the showing off of the new car, the flat screen tv, a big house with too many rooms, the many trips.
the pure joy of showing and sharing has grown into a ugly, materialistic contest.
how sad.
i am glad that i know people who are the exception to this evolution. and they live happier than those with many toys.

whiteness

I'm pretty convinced that February knew I was tired and sick of her (of course she's a she...who else would turn so vindictive?), and persuaded March to turn rather cold and send down blasts of snow on my poor house.
Still...it is so pretty and rather peaceful, and if I get a day or so off from work and school, it will all be worth it. :-)
The mountain that is directly across from my front window is hidden by the white snow, and the usually black, bare trees have turned grey. It's really pretty, and I'm content to sit and sew, or piddle away on my laptop, occasionally visiting Kyle where he sits occupied with his computer and headphones. We are very much a 21st century couple!
It's a good, lazy day.

February Exhaustion

I think there's something tiring about February. At least for me, and I get a sense of the same feeling from friends. The inspired, determined, excited charging into the New Year has past, there are no holidays or even good excuses to get away, and the winter is just dragging on. There's no desire to make an effort to write or 'do' and the cold days drag on and on.
So I'm glad that March is almost here. Now if only the weather would warm up and be conducive for flip-flop wearing...
Still, there's a definite relief to February's end. February's imprisonment of my joy and fortitude is over! I feel all the stress of the month leaving, and creativity and motivation taking their rightful places in mah head. I'm no longer content to waste my entire evening with my computer (only pieces.... ~.^), and instead have been cleaning my house, making things, and reading!
There's a mess of crazy quilt supplies and ribbon on my couch, my raven pattern for Kyle (his fav poem is The Raven and he recites it so amazingly!), and my camera lays nearby.
It feels good to make a crafty mess! It's very similar to the dirty feeling that comes from tramping through the woods or fields or whatever. Both are refreshing because of the products of the mess. In my case, progress on my oft ignored quilt, attempts at designing (ha ha), and the mental stimulation that comes from reading (I always feel better when I'm reading...and reading more than the news and filler articles on Msn.com and yahoo.com).
So, welcome March! Bring with you warm weather, comfort, and inspiration! Take away the doldrums (I like that word) of winter and the cold curse of February! Show us the green of plants and let us feel the spring fever in our blood! Banish February from our minds and bring thoughts of spring and play! Gladly we await you!

I can empathize, but not if you're unworthy.

Attending a community college provides chances to see and interact a wide range of people. Thus far, it's been great. I do possess that gift that lets me talk with almost anyone, but I prefer to watch and notice people in my classes and on my way to class. Usually my observations are of no or little consequence, small bits that I pull amusement from. But a couple days ago as I was walking up the hill to math class, I overheard two women talking. They seemed to be in their 30's. They were complaining about the amount of out of class work that they had to do, bemoaning the fact that no one seemed to be aware of the fact that they each had children and homes to take care of, and that, for that reason, it's so much harder for them than anyone else.

Now, I do admire anyone who goes back to school after being out for a few or more years. Especially mothers who are taking care of their families and households on top of trying to get get a degree and better their position in life. I know it's hard.

But these two ladies (at least in the 15 seconds or so of conversation that I heard), were so self-centered in their complaining. Do they realize that the vast majority of students there are working and attending school at the same time? That they're not the only ones stressed and tired, doing a billizion different things, working to pay bills and pay food?

Maybe they do. And maybe they don't care. But still....complaining annoys me, especially when I'm in a similar place. I'll be the first to tell you that I'm tired and stressed, but that's just how it is for now. I won't whine about it. SO grow up, buckle down, charge on through, and it'll be okay!

love love love in many ways

Chelsea's post the other day got me thinking about all the things, people, places that I adore. The more I thought about it, the more excited I got...both because I love making lists of any sort, and the things that I love excite me anyway! It all ties into my belief that life should be good and exciting, null of apathy.

So, I love Kyle and how he loves me back. I love the growth that he's inspired, and what I've done with him in my life. I love the fact that our love is little old man and old lady love (at least, that's the title in my mind) that runs strong, mature, passionate and deep, but still increases in all those areas. I love the mountains; seeing, climbing, sitting on, breathing the air that flows over them. How can you not be happy when you're sitting on a mtn top, looking down into valleys and at the mtns beyond? Listening to the wind and being memorized by the cloud shapes in the sky? I could go on... I love being in love and how it fills my being with happiness and excitement, that overflows into to other areas of my life, enriching them, going on in a grand cycle. I think it doesn't matter so much what type of love you have, be it romantic love for another person, dedicated love to a job, or just a love of life, as long as there is some type of external love to nurture and inspire. I love that art exists, and I can use it expressively. I love coffee, the taste and smell that can make carry a morning from 'alright' over to 'perfect.' I love the feeling after a good cry, the relief and tired newness. I love memories and how a single picture can bring back so much. I love that I know interesting people, who are brilliant and intriguing. I love that there are creative people who share their ideas and show off their projects. I love music, and how, when it's really good, goes straight into my mind and heart. I love festival ambiance. I love the feeling of heading off on an adventure, be it a grand trip to the beach, or a day in the mtns. I love the feeling that comes with getting a good grade on my math test! Triumph is mine indeed! I love running around like a little kid, capturing the care-free attitude once more. I love that I'm good at my job and that it's exciting to me. I love all my idiosyncrasies and odd things. I love that I do follow my heart and head. I love the summer. I love that my life is exactly what I always hoped it would be, and that it's this way now. I love trees and all the symbolize. I love the beach and watching the ocean flirting with the shore, and the sun warming from the top and the sand from underneath.

There's so much that I love! It would take too long and become boring to list (that's an impossible task) everything that brings me joy, comfort, and excitement.

But I think these are the most important? Maybe.

tea tags

One of the first things I do when making tea (providing it's of the Yogi Tea variety) is to read the little proverb that's on the tag. Sometimes they're great, like one yesterday, that said sometime along the lines of: love what is ahead by loving what is past. And then sometimes they're just not that great: oneness is achieved by recognizing yourself. Still, I'm always eager to see what my 'tea fortune' will read. I remember one terrible box that contained only 3 different quotes!

I've been embracing the tired, stressed, working college student. But, barring all practicality, I want to drop any class that don't involve art and immerse myself completely in learning, making, and viewing it. We've already gotten hints of a grand final photography project along the lines of a photo installation. I'm writing down ideas and things that intrigue me...I want to produce something brilliant! I'm stuck on the idea of trees. I've always loved their semblance in my life and admired their beauty.

[Digital pinhole]

Well...here goes the aforementioned tired, stressed, working college student!

Be happy!

Proclaiming my dorkiness.

renewed writing

I've been feeling called back to journaling. I think this is probably the longest I've gone without writing down my deepest feelings, questions, and hopes in a blank book.

I started journaling when I was 13 (I hated the word 'diary,' it seemed so cliche and 'girly.'). I wrote pretty regularly too. There's a drawer in my sister's desk that's full of used composition books (my first choice), and nicer journals, morphing from pre-lined pages to blank pages, from large to small and back again, and from nasty handwriting to something a little more respectable and readable.

Journaling did help me get through those oh so dramatic and trying teenage years. It provided a place to spill all the messiness and cleanse my system. I can see as my maturity grew, my writing deepened, reflecting the wiser way I looked at things.

Then I met Kyle. And fell in love with Kyle! The writing increased, both in letters and emails to him, and in my journals.

But I stopped journaling about a year ago last fall. I think it was because I was trying so hard to cope and be strong, and to even journal about all I was going through was too overwhelming and weakening. There were a few entries here and there, but these were nothing more than "this is what is going on. It's terrible." There are somethings that journaling can't help you get through.

But now, when life is fully flowing again, and there's so much to contemplate and develope thoughts about, I think it's time to go back to my unlined pages and scrawl away. Make lists and write down any random thing that pops into mah leetle head withour concern for how it sounds. Things flow better too, when I write with a good pen on good paper.

Now to actually do it.....

*swoosh.

"You took a trip and climbed a tree..."

Lately has been one of those times where, despite the weariness and constant doing, going, planning, and lack of rest, I am plodding on more-or-less happily.

This past weekend I had the honor of being a part of my friend Erin's wedding. We had such a great group of bridesmaids and had a great time doing all the bridal party stuff!



It was amazing watching Erin and Ryan through the ceremony, their love, devotion, and excitement is so vi sable! It made me even more appreciative of my own love and our marriage.

On Sunday Kyle and I took off for the Parkway, taking a new route through Pisgah Forest.



(Kyle at Devil's Courthouse)

We ended up walking about 10 miles, from Beech Gap, to Devils Courthouse, to Black Balsam and back. It felt so good to walk in the sun, looking into the valley and at the mountains spreading out for miles, talking, being so happy to be with each other, and taking satisfaction in our Merrill hiking shoes (get some!).

Being outside in temperate weather is probably my favorite thing. It feels so good to be active and alive! I'm excited too, for Kyle and I have grand hiking plans this year!

I'm growing more and more aware of my connectivity to the mountains and how I love the land I live in. Just as a human needs food and water to live, I need those mountains. Seeing them as I drive around town calms me, while also building the longing to go to the mountains. And in the winter, when there are maybe 5 people in a 30 mile radius (if that even), when all I hear is the wind leaping over the ridges and sliding into the valleys, and I'm looking out on the grey and blue mountains that go on until they blend in to the sky and the sky itself even more impressive beyond, I feel pure and complete awe, peace, and possession. There are no tourists gawking at my beautiful mountains, and I can relax in the shared solitude with Kyle.

I'm pretty excited about this weekend too....2 days with Kyle and predicted tempatures in the 60's! What more could I want in February?

Here I go!

WHY??

And why isn't my picture there?

dressing rooms

IN the past two days I've had two rather odd dressing room experiences.

Last night: I'm in the dressing room at Walmart (forgive me!), trying on a clearance priced skirt, when I hear strange noises from the room two rooms over. It honestly sounded (in my un-educated mind), like two white-trash lesbians gettin' it on! Weird.

This afternoon: JC Penney (which currently has amazing clearance prices), I stride into the dressing room like I usually do, and make myself comfortable in a room, and proceed to try on the two shirts I had. I start hearing sighing, like someone is waking up from a nap, or breathing meditatively, or willing the item of clothing to fit. Then the woman started to talk to herself, vocalizing the list of chosen items she was to purchase.

The oddest of all this is that in both cases I was clacking hangers around and making normal dressing room noises, and yet neither of these un-faced people seemed to notice, or care, staying in their strange little dressing room worlds.

This is interesting too. Left or Right Brain

Happy weekend all!

time invested

this is what i did this morning

Red Rose=Passion

"The world demands the qualities of youth; not a time of life but a state of mind , a temper of the will, a quality of the imagination, a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. It is a revolutionary world we live in, and thus it is young people who must take the lead."
- Robert Kennedy
June 6th, 1966

"There is no middle ground: ecstasy or apathy."

I think the saddest way to live a life is without any excitement or simple pleasure. I hope that I can make "good days" the average, not the exception to my life.

"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."
- Corita Kent

snow flakes

It snowed!

I stayed home all day (due to it being Martin Luther King's birthday and escaping from school and work), sitting in the papasan, reading, computering, and watching the varying sized snow flakes play in the air before settling down the frozen ground. It was so very pretty!

I wish it would snow more often.

11:29

16 minutes until I rush away from work, and head to my usual seat next to Samantha in math class.

Sometimes I get a feeling of distance from the people I wish to interact with more. It's not an intentional distancing, I'm positive of that. But it's distance bred from the differences in maturing, growth, experiences, interests, lack of time, circles of society, life style, and environment. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was in those places too. Would we be closer?

It doesn't matter much. I've chosen my life. And I love my life. The element of people isn't controllable. Ha, life itself isn't controllable! :-)

Still, it's sad sometimes, when there's not much you cna do except be occaisional good friends!

9 Days Later

I'm a little dazed. How did I not post something about how the past year has been, the changes, how I'm inspired by a new year, and what I'm going to do, etc?

Well.

Thinking on it, I believe that because this has been such an immense and intense year, my sub-conscious let me pass blissfully from 2008 into 2009, without taking time to recollect and remember. That is a blessing, since it's easier to remember the pain and hurts as opposed to the joys and triumphs.

So, anyway. Here's to 2009! It has not begun un-noticed by me.